| (no subject) |
[Aug. 25th, 2009|04:29 am] |
can't stop my thoughts. so confused. right and wrong. norms and reality.
GOIN NUTS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. SO MUCH PRESSURE. SO MUCH FUCKIN PRESSURE.
the significance of changing, changing for you.
SO FUCKING HARD. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 24th, 2009|06:18 pm] |
puta that shit felt good hahahahha :))
won't mind some more of that hahahaha!
fuckin achin muscles hahahahah :)) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2009|03:25 am] |
at my friend's right now. i'm a nocturnal person, which is why i'm up writing here insetad of sleeping like the others. last time i was here i spent the night reading ecstasy and went home around 8. it took an hour after for me to pass out.
well, a bit of drama happened tonight. but something i'm very familiar with, in my own setting. funny though, seeing it from an outsider point of view. i mean, i wasn't emotional about it. physically it made my eyes glaze with tears, but inside i felt dead. but all i thought about was how to distract my friend from it, after all of it. that's the best cure, distraction.
distraction: like drinking bottles of robitussin to make the hours blur by, or taking 8 pills of benadryl to see green swirly walls instead of the old white wallpapered one you stare at every single day, or smoking the green and get lost in carnal indulgence, or popping v's to make everything disappear from your memory, or snorting blow, sleeping and prescription pills, sniffing stuff. there's this level of life, what you'd perceive as the normal one. sometimes you wanna go above it, into a higher level of life and excitement, and once you've reached that level of life that old level isn't so appealing anymore.
but sometimes other things can bring you up to that level, things that in the beginning you never expected them to. maybe it's just the meds, or maybe i just learned to bring down the walls of the empire i've created and actually connect with a person.
some people wanna get high as the sky because that's the only place where they feel safe. they remember every needle, every pipeload, every snort. that's their beach, that's their bonding, that's their dancing in the moonlight.
love? what is love? a feeling? a social construct? the fact that we try to define it makes it a social construct. no man can live without society. language will not be born without society. we give things meaning, thus everything is a social construct. what is real? i gave up looking for that answer. i realised the truth is like air. you grab and grab but you'll never know if you already have it or not.
something i learned though, connections, that bond with other people. we don't know what's real, but those bonds are as good a reality for me as it can get. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2009|12:04 am] |
as i expected, well i actually almost believed the opposite will happen, pia flaked out on our one on one drinking session. i ended up instead drinkin with mack, her friends, wendy and random guy freinds who happened to be there. the guys started with dulay, and then his friends, and drew, siph, tres, jop, charles, jm, pg, oh and jaime haha. after recounting to jm how i've been living for the past month, of course with some ommissions, he called me pokpok. i guess you can say that ahhaa :))
i ordered myself a bucket which i didn't pay for haha. some fool paid for the drinks. i prolly only had 3 of them cos i gave some away to the guys at the table. i didn't feel any hit, so thankfully dulay had a bag of dope with him. i nad to convince him a bit though ahaha pussy hahaha :))
still infatuated with that guy. damn. haha it's so easy not to overthink, not to try to understand the world anymore unlike what he's doing. but i know why he's like that. i was like that too. i just realised, heck, i'll never know. or maybe i do know, it's just that i don't know that i do know. point is, the truth is like air. no matter how much you try to grab it with your fist, you'll never know if you have it already or not. so i gave up. gave up on that depressing struggle of trying to figure out what can't be figured, just perceived. maybe it's time to just enjoy what time i have left before i grow old and invalid.
i keep eating. ugh i gotta stop if i wanna keep attracting the men haha i love the attention they give, but at the same time it feels uncomfortable because i don't feel like i can live up to what they want. so i flirt, but i stay away. god knows the things i've been doing lately. and those events make me feel even more uncomforatble about myself.
thinking about that guy again. hahaha :)) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2009|04:46 pm] |
waiting for pia's confirmation for our one on one drinkin session. while waiting i'm here in front of the laptop jammin to this awesome techno i discovered a month ago, the house of god. hahaha damn if i had some e, i'd roll to this haha
i woke up, thankfully, it wasn't one of those days where i'd wake up in a depressed mood. but my dream had this certain person in it, and big penises. maybe my body's flushing that person out of my system, that's why he was present in my dream. haha i don't really think of that person anymore, but i have been feelin a bit sad for a week now. maybe it was cos i was missing having a man look after me and want me.
today, i feel bland. haha my body clock is all wrong nowadays though. i sleep in the morning, stay up at night. today i woke up at 4. i hope pia comes through with our drinking plan. sometimes, she flakes out o0n these things for more important business. alcohol would help me sleep tonight, if hit enough.
can't stop thinkin about this guy. hahah i'm really infatuated with him because he seems so deep, like he's taken in many things about life that i haven't seen yet. it's like i can learn about life from him, and he can take care of me in that way. hahah so infatuated. but i don't think i'm as deep a thinker for him. ahhaa i used to be, back when i was manic, back in 3rd year when life held so much wonder.
i wanna be with my friends and stop sleeping around with guys that i don't neven like and repulse me. they don't even make me wet, haha or i just really lost my sex drive. there's no passion in it. just a mechanical fuck that i don't even enjoy.
i wish pia would already text back.
i wanna drink. nowadays that's all i want. pleasure.
many times, i feel like a lost kid.
i don't trust myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2009|01:47 am] |
chemicals have stopped my mind. what used to be a universe of thoughts, questions and ideas swallowed itself up into a black hole, a vacuum where questions that struggle to live get sucked into the vacuum, into the depths of chemical unconsciousness.
before, i used to wonder at life. i saw the ocean in the sky, and the sky in the ocean. i saw the nothingness of existence, and the desperate fight to not realise the nothingness.
now, i can't think.
passion left my being. left instead stability.
the balanced seesaw. can't hit the dirt, can't jump to the sky.
i need something to blow my mind. so trapped, trapped by chemicals. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2009|05:02 pm] |
jammin to erykah badu, was checkin out some pics of bill and luvleigh in facebook haha i wish i could go back there, but maybe wherever place i am, it's still gonna be the same. maybe i could redeem myself.
sick of school. haven't been going. i feel depressed again. i could tell cos i'm not interested in anything anymore. alvie said before, with friends, it shouldn't be a chore, it should be fun. why is it that mine's a chore? i'm so consious.
those days. those days. can't remember much, just a few things. why are all the scenes i remember sad? cos i was sad, all the time.
it's so hard, it's so hard.so hard. so hard. so hard. so hard. so hard.
so hard.
so hard.
so hard.
every place i am, everywhere i go, it catches up with me. what am i to do? so trapped. not a good memory in mind, not a good thought i can find.
didn't cha know.
everyone was so cruel. everything was so scary.
what was i supposed to do?
why was i alone? |
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| Schizophrenia |
[Jun. 30th, 2009|05:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | learn to fly by foo fighters | ] |
today i've officially converted.
just like my sudden, quick and unexpected conversions from cheerful friendly leader to a competitor to disgusting self to rebel to intellectual to goth to sex addict to hippie to substance abuser, my music preference is also very schizo. my best friend had suspected schizophrenic qualities in me in the past. changes in my memory and personality happen like there's a switch in my brain. you look at my face, then suddenly it twitches, and then the twitching becomes violent and all you see is a ball of flesh lashing around eating itself up until a new face surfaces. you are bewildered. it's not my face. a new pair of eyes looks at you for the very first time. it's me.
unlike those personas i have described which can't link the present with the past, this persona i am inhabiting now can.
now my main music is techno!
the thing is, since i have been different persons with different memories and ways of thinking, this new consciousness of all those memories together is very confusing. maybe now i'm just trying to realise what i can make using all these ingredients.
now im lookin to the sky to save me, lookin for a sign of life. lookin for somethin to help me burn out bright. yeah im lookin for a complication, lookin cos im tired of life.
fly with me, i can't quite make it alone. tryna make this life my own.
yeah those lyrics isn't from techno but i like this song too :) |
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| Motherfucker |
[Apr. 16th, 2009|08:02 pm] |
so after that very painful day, i realised that i have lost my intense sex drive. i don't have a sex drive at all! i don't even wank as much anymore. i still get those random thoughts, yeah, but it's cold. there's no fire behind it anymore. i am simply dry.
fucking ae! my meds are the culprit and what's even more fucked is that i read visited some sites and found out that some people, after getting weaned off their meds, never got their sex drive back. this is an outrage, and i would stop taking whatever it is that's killing my sex drive. bipolar has a lot of downs but it makes up for it with intense kinky uncontrolled sex. fuck i do not want to lose that.
i am going to have a talk with my psych on staurday about this sex drive issue of mine. i cannot proceed with a dead sex drive, hell no! not like this, not at all. i love sex! sex is my fucking passion and i will talk to my psych and see what this buzzkill's about.
fuck i don't even have enough emotions to really get mad about this. i'm a blank face. fuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!! |
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| ? |
[Apr. 11th, 2009|10:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | age of love euro club mix | ] |
go ahead, reach that spider explosion of stars
anyway possible.
they appear, they disappear.
see how temporary?
like you? so uncertain, moving back and forth,
volleyed into strange arms.
stomp to the music, with your wide wide eyes,
who has no soul inside.
shake it, shake away what's insane.
the vibe is thick as a quilt.
but it's hugging you so tight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2009|07:58 pm] |
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i admit i have been missing alvie, especially since he hasn't called for 2 nights already. i don't want to be with him though, as in be with him be with him because i don't trust him. but his company i sorely miss. i've been so used to hanging around with him and i've grown so comfortable. tempting as it is, i must learn to distance myself from him and not be dependent. i do have a very poor resistance to temptation. and lack of discipline sometimes. but what i want, if i just learn to hold myself, i'll definitely get. i can be very persistent and do what i have to do to get it. like making myself read again for the sake of my writing. the thing is i have passion for writing. i wonder why i'm so flaky with everything else. i want gin now. hahha i love getting strunk. if only my friends would be passionate about that too. pam's down though. that's gotta push through :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2009|07:02 pm] |
today i hung out with my dad, one of those very rare happenings. it started with him wanting to have breakfast in chicken inato in, i actually forgot the name already. i'm so used to commonwealth and the name of that place starts with c too. anyways, it was 11 am and the restaurant opens at 12, so we mucked around the house for a while. me continuing to swim in the brown pages of virgin suicides. then my dad called out my name, and opening the door he told me we're going to eat in yoshinoya instead and to be ready in 15. i hadn't even brushed my teeth or showered yet, so i asked for preaparation time, to which he agreed.
now prepared i descended down the short stairs and we proceeded to the car. the yaya had to chase candy and put her inside the house so she won't get run over by the car when we back out of the garage. my dad is a man of few words, and i, well it really depends. but i talked to my dad. as john the empath said, i have a very compassionate heart. and understanding. we chatted, and while chatting i remembered that i haven't taken my meds and will not be taking them any time soon today. but that fact was just a little speck of dust on my clean clothes. i had gyudon, somthing soup and red jelly with tiny sago bits. and ice tea from my drink. dad had the same.
right now i can hear the annoying fake cry of some kid crying over people fighting in dad's telenovela. silly telenovelas. anyways,
after that, we went to kameraworld to have our pictures taken for our passports. i had a dream last night that i was in miriam but i was wearing my hutt valley high uniform. i was seperate from eveyone. i remember having a similar dream where i went back to miriam from new zealand and was looking for everyone. but there was a hint of isolation there. at some point everyone was going towards one direction, and you could see my black head above a current of black heads trying to carry me off with them. waking up today, i realised i wanted to move back to new zealand. i felt the sentiment as i stepped into kamerworld.
i had my picture taken and i wanted to smile to look pretty in my picture. but the photographer advised me against it. dfa photos are meant to be shitty. and my picture did come out shitty, as i will later find out. in the sunlight or bright white lights, my scars from the derma are very brown and visible, not like when i try to look for them in the mirrors at home. i really want to go back to my derma and complain and make sure they peel off every bit of scarring i have or else, fuck. they have just fucking ruined me. i will surely suffer a confidence drop. i watched my man of few words dad put on his polo over his shirt, straighten his light blue tie, and have his picture taken. afterwards we wandered off in search of ice cream. as i'll find out later too, my dad is an avid fan of ice cream.
we stopped in front of fruits and ice cream. he chose mint and chocolate. i chose green tea, which proved delicious. exploration will lead to great rewards, although of course there are exceptions.
dad is stepping onto the 2nd floor now. i'm asking him if he has already watched the news. he replies by saying that there is no news tonight and is proceeding to his room. then leaves his room and goes back downsairs. so i proceed.
the photos will be ready in 2 hours. with nothing to do, we walked around the corridors of the mall, viewing window displays. i found a lot of outfits i liked and pointed them out to dad. he pointed out a very few ones he liked. neither of us understood why the other liked the singled out outfits. still nothing to do so dad said that we'll just go watch a movie.
he chose witch mountain, and justified his choice by poiting out that the movie is from walt disney. i wasn't too keen to watch it but i went with it. i wanted to have fun with dad today since we never hung out our whole lives. after choosing seats on the computer we went inside the movie house. and it was empty. then realised it wasn't empty after spotting 3 people nestled in their seats. we sat near them. the movie theater filled out after a bit, but the movie house wasn't completely full. but it was a small movie house anyways. i'm used to seeing a lot of people in the bigger movie houses but maybe this is a lot for a small one.
the movie actually wasn't bad. i did like what dad chose. it was a movie about aliens on earth, but the aliens didn't look like e.t. or just crashed into earth purposeless. the aliens here were kid form and had cool abilities, adn were retrieveing something to help their planet. except some of their people didn't agree with it and sent over a terminator type character to kill them. just watch it haha
walking down the halls headed for kameraworld, dad asked if i wanted ice cream. i wondered because we already had ice cream and not really wanting any said no. when we past by fruits and ice cream i thought, what the heck, i do wanna fill out anyways so i said i changed my mind. dad had mint and chocolate. i had raspberry. it was also good. i wondered what dad's tastes like.
my picture was shitty. i wasn't smiling, my bangs looked horrible and my scras are like the craters on the moon. oh well. dad's, well dad's face is always the same in all his photos.
we've been home since 5. i read virgin suicides. we had dinner together. dad wanted to play badminton and i wanted to too for a work out. turns it mom has the rackets.
so i'm going to continue swimming through the brown pages of virgin suicides. i've gone at a very good speed. and when i finish it, i'll surely want to read something else. i have artemis fowl but i'm not sure. that one's really for kids, i think, and i want a more mature insightful book so i might just read angels and demons. i saw the trailer of the movie in the movie house a while ago. i wouldn't mind watching that.
i can hear the bad actor call santino! and the equally bad kid actor say, sige na po father. and a fiesta sounding commotion going on. i'll never watch dad's telenovelas. but i'll watch witch mountain haha :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2009|02:31 am] |
i feel like shitting.
tonight is the second night i can't go to sleep. everytime i try to shut my eyes something gets lodged in them so i can't entirely closes em shut, so they inevitably flutter open. plus the paranoia of ghosts. typing that now just makes me nervous. i had to scan around the hallway. anyway, i had to list down 3 more names for amway, and after remembering i have mack's mom's cellphone number in my phone, i left my parent's room to retrieve my amway paper and write it down. then, thinking about the broken down red phoe in my hand, i concluded to take the easy route and jot down 2 names of students on my amway paper. that way, i have fallback if i can't find 2 parents' names.
i've been diving headlong into virgin suicides. in the beginning i was having a lot of trouble focusing on what i was reading. my thoughts keep jumping up and down and racing about my brain kindergarten classroom, the neuron teacher having given up disciplining these hyperactive thoughts. the stand on the corner tecnique, to my dismay, does not work anymore. one day i decided to type in a blog about writing, and talked about my passion for writing and how i want to practise and be better. because of that, i realised i have to keep reading because the only was to be a good writer is to respond to the work of other writers and writing predecessors, and from there advance what you have learned. there is no how to's in the art of writing. it is just about reading and reading and reading, then comes the passion. this made me focus.
anyways i'm getting paranoid and scared adn i think i'm hearing some very suspicious sounds. i'm going to retreat to my parents' room now and try to sleep. good night :) |
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| Bluish White |
[Apr. 10th, 2009|12:54 pm] |
i was sitting in front of a mirror on my mom's dresser. looking at my face, i realised to my horror that my face used to be mayonnaise, smooth and creamy. now it's mayonnaise with red chilli flakes. and what's even more horrible was that if my face does become like the faces of every ill fated pimply oily red faces i am proud to not have, i will not be able to do anything to save mine. the most i could do is to sue my derma, but i know i wouldn't have the guts to do that. they're nice people. although if i did sure them and receive so much money, i might be able to save my face with intense peeling and all the pricey surgeries. and my long awaited nose job. but like i said, they're nice people.
i stood a bit and lean forward towards the mirror. the 3 dots of cream i applied to some critical parts of my face reminded me of tiny moons, which are revolving a huge brown round but pancake-like volcanic planet.
before i was by my mom's dresser staring in horror at my face, i was like a fish on land in my bed. i finally let my eyes out to play, and they played with the window beside me. the window was illuminating a bluish white hue, contrasting a black backdrop, like it was a rectangular star. excited, my childlike eyes called my mind to play with them.
i looked at the wall across the window. what i saw was two semi oblong patches of bluish white light, and on them danced rippling shadow people. like little flames they faded then came back very strong and danced in a fluid motion. sometimes their arms faded and disappeared, then reappear on a different spot from where they faded away. i looked at the wall nearest my feet. there was a shadow person dancing in his bluish white box too. suddenly it felt eerie. i looked back at the wall across the wondow, and underneath the two dancing shadows.. my stomach dropped. was a black hole in the shape of a woman with long hair. i looked at it warily, uncertain of what i was seeing. suddenly i had a flashback of a scene from a deam, where before i boarded the police car with a murdered woman, i had a quick vision of stained glass windows with mary and jesus, this time though it was a shadow of a woman instead of a murdered woman and stained glass windows with dancing shadows. i didn't want to see them anymore so i turned on my phone and it lit up, raced past the shadows and turned on the lights.
i looked around in my parents' room. dad was deep in dreamland. i had my own little bed beside the window, reserved for me whenever the night gets too dark in my room. i opened the door and took a few steps in the hallway then turned my doorknob.
lights on. i reached for my set of colourful pillboxes, which jangled as i plucked out a red pillbox, popped open a compartment and yanked from it's bed a small semi-oblong pill. i popped it in my mouth then nestled my pillbox back in its nest with the ther pillboxes, their pill wards settling back to sleep. lights off.
that was the second half of risperdal i took tonight, contrary to my usual half pill only. it's a pill to slow down your brain and make your eyes droopy. since your thoughts become dammed up, it makes your brain's activity center shut down for the night.
i was sitting in front of a mirror on my mom's dresser. suddenly i was being rocked back and forth. i stood up. i walked past my dad's bed, past the trash can, past the wall across thw window where the the curtains was making shadows, past the black fan, and onto the soft waves of blue and white bedsheets which rocked me to sleep. |
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| Saved 12:13 am |
[Apr. 9th, 2009|10:38 pm] |
i'm still waiting for yahoo messager to download. from my dirty red swivel chair, i could hear the third badly acted witless telenovela in the series of telenovelas my dad's been watching downstairs. my ears watched the two previous badly acted ones. right now my philosophy blockmate, also was our block head for a year, is im-ing me. it took a while but after being woken up and had their stretches and yawns and even their standing still lost in sleepiness, the ym boxes finally propped themselves up into presentability and settled down. so now i am replying to my block mate. apparently, my blockmate got 1.0 in our philosophy class, of which me and him are majoring. since i have a brain that's been intruded by placating chemicals, my brain has become a shriveled prune. dry, juiced out, empty. that's why i just robotically typed back that i got an inc. haha. a robotic laugh.
as i was writing the 2nd paragraph of thie blog, the bona fide add inflicted person that i am, i got distracted by the thought of needing to choose a pe class that i immediately took my typing hands from the keyboard to the mouse and clicked the tab for up information system. after a while, i shifted my attention back to this blog but quickly strayed when my cellphone started screaming for me. but that's not really an add action as human hands are coordinated with the ears which are coordinated with the sound of your cellphone, the solid rectangular item of which is coordinated to the hands. cellphones are a matter of utter urgency. now that i'm back to this blog, i will just say that as for the very few words i was able to type when i was starting this paragraph is now being obliterated by the blinking line from which letters originate. and that is why i do not have a 2nd paragraph, and this is my explanation to its nonexistence.
i can't find a pe class. my first choice was jiu jitsu but the times clash with my will be if lucky classes. i tried duck pin bowling but it was the same thing. i tried strecthinng, camping, philippine games, and out of desperation, philippine folk dance but every typed in name of these pe classes on my eye destroying computer screen shook their letter filled bodies at me, rejecting me an invitation to their pe lands. i looked at the other ones. futsal, volleyball, tennis, ballet. all of which i cannot click their typed in names for an invitation. team games with a ball do not like me. players become vicious drooling monsters that tower so much i only reach their knees, all looking crazily at the ball in my hands. no way! as for ballet, well, it's ballet. i don't really dance. i already took modern dance last sem and the soothing music and the fluid balancing moves moved me out of the classroom for the rest of the semester. i was awarded with a 5.0.
i just checked my phone. last night alvie called me up to my surprise around 1. he said he misses me. i don't know. i don't believe in his solidity anymore. his mind is rattled by little balls that always hit it's gooey pink surface all at the same time, never one. i put down my phone. even though, i always like his calls.
reading virgin suicides. read, actually. i waas going on at a good speed and more focused now when suddenly i got distracted by the thought of warts, and after that my book became a blurry set of colours. |
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| Black |
[Apr. 9th, 2009|11:46 am] |
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life can be really black. some people would say you'll find a way out of it if you work hard to overcome it. some would say your life was destined to be black. some would just end the blackness. some would wallow in the blackness. some would shut their eyes. it's hard to escape one's self. to have lived in blackness will inevitably do something to you. whatever happens in the end, even if you get out of it, it will always be in your mind. a part of you will always be coloured black. |
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| Wings |
[Apr. 5th, 2009|04:02 pm] |
the sun led my eyes to the mousebird chirping on my neighbour's ledge. nice mousebird. then i thought, why do we hold winged mice precious, and loathe unwinged ones? how did it come to be that angels fly around stars and demons sink in fire? what is it about flying?
one night i jumped into the air and rocketed upward to space. for the first time in my life i was free. being there was like being a bug inside a can of black boysen paint. except in front of me was the earth, and that and everything else near it was all i could see in the blackness. i watched the outlines of every meteor, every distant star and that of the earth. they were smudged but illuminated, like halos. maybe the stars are angels.
vhooommmm!!!! the earth became bigger and bigger and bigger. i skidded to a halt quite near to the ground. i jumped off the air.
that was my dream. the mousebird was still there. then it wasn't. it was awfully hot. i had on a navy oversized shirt that was too thick for the weather so i put on something of a thinner material. i sat on my chair, facing my window, the blazing sun and the shadowy branches of one lone tree visible far ahead. as i brought my pipe closer to my mouth, i realised i was seeing up close an ashy black brain engulfed in smoke. interesting.
it was 20 minutes later when i left my room and stretched out on my swivel chair. why, all of a sudden, it started to tilt left, and then right and left and right and left and right. then my chair tried to throw me off on a white water rapids ride. . next thing i knew, i was looking at green waterfalls in front of me as the raft finally touched calm waters. there was a very tiny cap just below my line of vision, a head of someone. there was even a brown gnarly foot suspended in mid-air. why was it there? someone was waving at me from another raft. but the wave wasn't waving. it was more like she was waiting for me to give her a high five.
then my mom put the picture down and continued her story about her rapids experience. i was just sitting there, on the dining room chair, patiently listening.
wait a sec! i spun around. mom wasn't there. nor was in the dining room. i spun around some more on my swivel chair.
spacing out. thinking of nothing. of how my brain can become a black brain emitting smoke. of the mousebird. of how i think i saw cheese in the mousebird's hands. of how mousebirds and real birds look so much alike. of how a mousbird would bite the head off of a real bird. of pink frosted cookies on a trash-owned corner, a dead bird beside them.
what is the meaning of having wings? that too. |
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| De Ja Vu |
[Apr. 5th, 2009|10:28 am] |
stable.
cessation of motion.
floating in the time continuum.
why is it so numb?
de ja vu.
why is it so numb?
the ferris wheel is about to move,
suddenly it sparks, fizzles and dies.
there is that funny feeling.
side by side the droning stiffness.
white like spotless hospital walls,
sterile injections,
starched doctor's gown.
imagine standing inside a box,
sides touching you,
rendered motionless.
do you get it?
apathetic eyes,
stir me. there's nowhere to go.
trapped inside a sterile orb.
too numb to be affected. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 1st, 2009|03:23 pm] |
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having my friends is a great relief, considering what happened this week. vehm was right. i'll learn to appreciate my friends more :) thank you guys :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2009|10:28 am] |
i'd rather just forget.
i have forgotten many things.
maybe the only way is if he can prove that he does want to be with me. maybe not.
he said he's done things becuase of me, things he didn't want to do. that hurts, to know that.
he isn't sure. and that uncertainty scares me. |
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